x` the love that soars ; .

The Love That Soars, I'm With You [v22.0]

I would never erase the sincerity in your eyes,
when u told me, you love me.
I would also never forget the way your eyes burn,
when I angered you, and broke your heart right from the bottom.
neither would I forget the sadness in your voice,
when you said sorry after everything.

These are every bits and pieces of the pair of wings a butterfly has.
put them back again, and we get to soar up high.

Dear, I love you.

09 March, 2007

I just need to sail through one more week as a role of student nurse and then I can kiss goodbye to my uniform!!! Yep, I'm completing my course soon. However my graduation ceremony falls on 24 May. To me, as long as this attachment ends, I declare myself as graduate! I've no more worries because I've successfully completed my course. After 2 years of hard work, my efforts have paid off because I've done very well both in my attachment and academic. Guess what??? I've scored another A for my year 2 attachment!!!! This really calls for a celebration because I've worked hard on it to achieve my goal. I wanted to give hippo's family a small treat because I thought of sharing my joy with them. I guess his parents will be proud of me and can't wait to show off my success to their relatives (that's what his mum always do!!! duh...) However due to my stricken cough, I was discouraged to buy them a treat because I can't enjoy eating with them.

Actually I'm already so eligible to apply for diploma course but I can't. I still feel a tad of regrets at times although I keep telling myself soon it'll be my turn to do diploma course when the time comes. Most of my classmates have already registered for the diploma course and I really envied them. I keep telling myself to unleash my potential at work and strive to become the best nurse of the year. Just last week I was asked to see the deputy director of nursing from my bonded hospital, initially I didn't know what was her intention of seeing me until I asked her. She told me that she see only 2 types of students ie. the high performers & the low performers. Imagine how flattered I was to hear that. She asked me where do I prefer to work upon my course completion, I deliberately asked for medical ward although deep down inside I wanted surgical ward. I honestly didn't like medical ward because they're always filled with ill-stricken patients. I'm not choosing patients to nurse because I've no qualms about nursing any particular patient. My only difficulty in nursing medical patients is that I'm small & petite and these patients are usually bed bounded. They largely depended on nurses in assisting in their activities of daily living such as showering, elimination needs, ambulating etc... My worry in nursing patients who are bigger than me is that should they fall, I'll be responsible for such predicaments. My capacity is only this much. Besides, should a patient collapse I wouldn't be so confident in participating resuscitation. Why I chose medical ward is because I'll be exposed to wide varieties of diagnoses & it's a learning experience for me. The knowledge I've gained over the field I've worked in will definitely help me in my further studies. By then, these diagnoses will be nothing new to me because it's all at my fingertips!
I prefer surgical ward because it keeps me busy in nursing pre & post operative patients. The nursing care is standard and routine that it'll become monotonous. I just want the time to pass without realizing. This is how I live my day during attachment or else I'll be bored to tears.

The deputy director of nursing has affirmed to sponsor me for diploma studies in condition that I work for at least 6 months to 1 year first. My overall fate lies on my work performance and attitude, subject to my ward sister's recommendation. The thought of being sponsored again daunt me. Being sponsored has its pros & cons, the pros is that after completion of course my job is secured and waiting for me without hunting for it. The cons is that I've to abide by the terms of the contract and to dismiss any wish of joining other hospitals.

I've thought of getting sponsored again since I'm such a poor person. Besides I'm unable to save enough for further studies as my expenses are high. In addition, by the time I finish diploma I'll be in the early 30s left stranded among the young graduates who will be competing with me in fighting for a job. From an employer's point of view, they'll definitely want young people because their labour is cheaper.

On the other hand, I don't think I'll have any kids before my career is stable therefore it's good to concentrate on career first. I guess we won't be having kids anyway because hippo is so concerned about his family that I doubt he can focus on his new family. If his sister is going to university, he has to see to her expenses. If his mum still wanna remain as housewife, then he'll continue to give her big allowance. If he still allow his father to keep withdrawing his money, then he'll continue to slog. If his brother still wanna live off him, then he still have to slog... if hippo himself still don't want to separate his money between personal account & business account, then we don't have a future together because he doesn't have savings not to mention me!!!

Because of these reasons which made me feel unhappy because it seems that he's the iron-head of the family. Geez... why do I bother still being with him??? I could have left him and be with someone else. I've been furiously thinking through that I must put our relationship to an end before I suffer, to begin with, I need to save money for rainy days first. I've started buying less things and began to save whenever I can. When I've saved enough and after my career has taken off, I guess that'll be the time I leave him. Although it's heart-wrenching but I cannot live with someone who is not certain to promise me a lifetime security. He can continue to splurge on me to show his love for all I care, the only thing which couldn't get into his head is that he still dunno what I want. He can keep bringing me to go shopping malls every weekend but I find it a bore at times because it's the same everywhere. I always wanted to go to places which are relaxing and different from shopping malls like sentosa or zoo but he doesn't fancy such ideas. He's a damm practical & boring person I would say.

I dunno why I've started to resent him yet unable to voice out my unhappiness on him. Maybe I didn't want to pressurize him, even if he change for my sake, it'll only be a while before he return back to square one. Am I demanding too much or he's already spoiled me until I couldn't recognize myself?

Wan Ying wrote at 10:15:00 pm

// *_ x [ [ `missses` ] ] x _*. [#] `-

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