x` the love that soars ; .

The Love That Soars, I'm With You [v22.0]

I would never erase the sincerity in your eyes,
when u told me, you love me.
I would also never forget the way your eyes burn,
when I angered you, and broke your heart right from the bottom.
neither would I forget the sadness in your voice,
when you said sorry after everything.

These are every bits and pieces of the pair of wings a butterfly has.
put them back again, and we get to soar up high.

Dear, I love you.

27 February, 2007

When death falls apart, the world doesn't stop revolving. One side of the world is celebrating success & joy while the other side is mourning & crying. Life goes on & there's nothing sort of reversing or fast-forwarding time.

Why do I sound melancholy today??

The time now is 5.10pm. As I write this entry, my heart is weeping. Weeping for someone whom I've no relation to, except that he's my client in hospital. He is my 1 month old patient in the hospital. By the time I finished this entry, he could have passed on. This is not the first death I've encountered, of course I've encountered several deaths before but definitely not as special as this one.

All of us knew he wouldn't live through till evening because his oxygen saturation is deteriorating. I saw the doctor drawing his blood for investigation but I thought it's going to be too late before the results are released. Anyway he's already on the dangerously ill & do not resuscitate list, why not just let him go peacefully?? I know the doctor has to do his job in a way that wouldn't jeopardize his professionalism.

My last contact with him today was doing oral toilet for him. Although I couldn't make out the words behind the oxygen mask, I roughly knew what he wants. I fulfilled his wish just to make him feel more comfortable.

I knew it'll end this way but I didn't expect it to be that soon, at least let me leave for NUH before he passed away. I knew it's hard for him to struggle between life & death, he wouldn't let go until he is allowed to go home. When his oxygen has been dropping, I knew he's getting tired.

My Staff Nurse has been beckoning him not to go to sleep until his loved ones arrived. I would say he's a tough guy because he doesn't give up easily, not when we fulfill his last wish. To be able to pass away peacefully at home. Although it's discouraging to be discharged on the brink of death but I think it's being respectful towards his dying wish. I guess when he died, he wants his spirit to be close to his family. Nevetheless, his wish is granted when I knocked off. I was unfortunate to be scheduled for morning shift because I want to stand by him till his last breathe. Too bad, it didn't happen that way because he's keen to go home.

The Palliative Care Nurse taught his loved ones some basic homecare for him before discharge. When I saw each of their reddened eyes filled with tears, I start biting my lips because I'm getting emotional. He is not very dear to me but somehow I feel like it's a kind of affinity that led me to nurse him for 1 month. It's heart-wrenching to see him slowly falling apart.....

My friend told me there's more to come in the near future when we start working. I don't feel such sadness when my previous patients passed away unlike this one maybe because I've grown used to nursing him until I cannot accept the fact that he's leaving the world.

It always hurts to open my heart towards sickly patients whenever I nurse them, should I close my heart and be cold-hearted instead?......

Wan Ying wrote at 5:04:00 pm

// *_ x [ [ `missses` ] ] x _*. [#] `-

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